Secrets of how to be
a Good Husband

It's easy to be a husband - you just have to get married.

But are you a good husband?

Or do you want to know what it takes to be one?

Read here what it takes.

To be a good husband takes a lot of effort, and is not something that just happens "sort of automatically". Plus, it is essential if you want to have a successful marriage. You have to work at becoming the kind of husband that God considers a good one.

OK, it might not be easy, but there are some basic things, let's call them principles, that you must know and do.

These principles in themselves are not too difficult, but actually doing them is where the challenge comes in.

It's almost like exercise. You know you have to do it, but getting around to actually doing it...

Well, you get the point.

Now, let's get back to those principles.

If you follow these basic principles, you too can become a good husband - the type of husband that God has intended for you to be.

In both the Old and the New Testament we are taught / shown what a good husband – according to God's definition – looks like.

We'll focus mainly on the directions given to us in Colossians 3 and Ephesians 5.

First Principle: Love your wife

You can't be a good husband if you don't love your wife.

When God made Eve for Adam, it was because God said: "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him" (Gen 2: 18, King James version).

A more understandable translation for the last part of this verse would be: "I will make him an aid fit for him", and therefore the Living Bible has paraphrased it nicely by putting it as follows: "I will make a companion for him, a helper suited to his needs."

God has therefore made woman specifically as a helper fit for man or suited to man's needs.

And thus it can also be said that God has made your wife as an aid fit for you - one who perfectly complements you – in every area of your life, be that logical, sexual, or whatever area of your life you want to consider.

God has made your wife to complement you. She doesn't just happen to be the way she is. No, God created her that way.

Then, because He knew that she would be your ideal complement, God brought the two of you together. This is one very important reason to be a good husband to your wife.

God has given you the opportunity to have your own wife, and therefore He wants you to love and serve her – and only her.

It is therefore not unexpected that God specifically tells you - yes, you too, my friend: "And you, husbands, must be loving and kind to your wives and not bitter against them, nor harsh" (Col 3: 19 from the Living Bible).

Second Principle: Be faithful to her

In in Col 3:1 God tells us, "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God" (Col 3: 1, New International Version, or NIV for short).

This is followed in verse 5 by these words: "Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires…"

You can't be a good husband if you do the things that God tells you to steer clear of, as you have seen above in Col 3: 5.

These same things are reiterated in the 5th chapter of Ephesians.

But there it goes even further, by adding the following: "Dirty stories, foul talk and coarse jokes – these are not for you" (Eph 5: 4, Living Bible).

Third Principle: Submit to your wife

And then, in the closing verses (21 – 33) of Ephesians 5, God gives the following instructions to men about their wives: "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ".

A good husband should submit to his wife!!

Wow, that's a new thought, isn't it? For a man to submit to his wife!

No, not really. It might be new to modern man's thinking, but it's a very old idea, because it comes from the New Testament.

It continues (from verse 25 of Ephesians 5 onwards) that the relationship of a man to his wife should be the same as Christ's relationship to his church, namely that He loves his church and has given his life for the church.

Do you want to be a good husband?

Then be to her as Christ was to his church. Christ died for his church!

In the same way, you should be willing to die for your wife!!

The Living Bible puts it clearly: "And you, husbands, show the same kind of love to your wives as Christ showed to the church when He died for her".

Christ, the Good Shepherd, laid down his life for his church. If you want to be a good husband, you shoud be willing to die for your wife.

What a requirement!

Fourth Principle: Become one Person

It is for this purpose that God has designed life in such a way that the man shall leave his parents so that he can become joined "as one flesh" to his wife (Eph 5: 31).

God wants you to be one flesh with your wife.

OK, it is not possible for two separate human beings to be one physical flesh, although for God the impossible is possible [but wait, I digress…]. God didn't intend for us to understand this verse in that way, anyway.

What God means is that you must become one person with your wife.

When she hurts, you must hurt.

When she is glad, you must be glad.

Her welfare must rest pre-eminently on your mind, and your actions – as well as honouring God – must be designed to comfort and protect your wife.

You must strive to always make her happy, and never to make her sad.

That's the meaning of becoming one with her.

Fifth Principle: Protect her

A good husband will also protect his wife.

If harm gets in the way, you must be standing in between, sheltering your wife from harm's way.

That is how important her well-being must be to you.

Just like Jesus took the blame for the sins of the entire world, you must be willing to take everything on behalf of your wife.

Sixth Principle: Lead her

Just as Christ leads his church, a good husband – that means you! - must also lead his wife.

You must be her leader – the one who shows her the way, guides her onwards towards God.

You must also be her example, showing her the way to God, not shoving her on her way to Him.

To be able to be an example for her, you must obviously have a living relationship with God yourself!

Yup, that's an non-negotiable part of being a good husband – at least as far as the Bible is concerned.

Other considerations

Apart from the things above, which were taken from the Holy Bible, there are also other things that you can (no, must!) do in order to be a good husband, and to continually become a better one.

Those are the "feminine" things, for lack of a better description.

What are they?

Well, they are all of those things that are important to women, like giving her flowers, taking her out on mother’s day, telling her that she looks pretty, etc.

I know that many husbands don't give much attention to these "feminine" things. But if you want to be a good husband, you have to do these things.

Tell her that you love her. But also show her that you love her.

Apart from giving her flowers and taking her out on special occasions, you must also hug and kiss her.

Hug your wife often.

Kiss her often.

Tell her frequently that you love her – without expecting it to result in sexual intercourse.

Love, as a matter of fact, is much, much more than sex. Sex is merely the crown upon a loving relationship.

If you are serious about your desire to be a good husband, you have to start attending to the "little things".

While they don't mean much to men, they are very important to women, and to do them shows her that she is more important to you than other women are to their men.

This will make her feel very special.

Special is how your wife should feel, and it is your task, as a good husband, to make her feel special.

Don't forget her birthday.

And - just as important – don't forget your wedding anniversary.

Yes, yes, I know that many men don't attach a great deal of value to these things.

But your wife does.

And if you are really serious about being a good husband, you'll do these little things.

And you'll love doing them because they make your wife happy.

Now if, like me, you tend to forget easily, make special plans to remember.

Put a reminder on your cell phone.

Or ask the children to remind you a week in advance that mom's birthday is approaching (so you have enough time to get her a little something).

Support your wife

Your wife needs your support more than she needs it from anybody else.

So support her in everything she does.

Support her in her work.

Support - and assist - her with work in and around the house.

And when she has difficult times, and she has to weather the storms of life then support her in that as well. Don't be criticising, rather he supportive.

Also support her when she tries to improve herself and to become more successful.

You can start by assisting her to set goals for herself. It has been proven that people who set goals are ten times more likely to reach them than people who don't.

"But my wife is a housewife," you object.

So what? ALL people should have goals.

It is all the more reason for you to assist your wife with this very important aspect of her life.

Beware of gifts!

"But gifts are good!" you say.

Yes, they are.

But, while they are great to receive, they will NEVER be acceptable replacements for you or your love.

Being there for your wife is MUCH more important than buying her a present.

Don’t think for a second that you can neglect her and then get away with something as "cheap" as a gift – no matter what the price of the gift.

You, your love, and your time are what she needs.

Give it to her.

In abundance.

The role of sex

As stated above, don't keep these displays of love only for times when you want to make love to your wife.

She will very quickly come to see them as manipulations to get what you want – sex – and she wouldn't appreciate them.

Nope, don't do that. Don't ever falling into the thinking that sex = love.

It is only in a loving relationship that sex really achieves what God designed it to do. If the relationship is not one of boundless love, then sex is nothing more than an expression of lust.

Both man and woman were designed by God to be sexual beings. God also did not intend the sex in a marriage relationship to be purely for the purpose of producing offspring.

No, God designed it to be enjoyable, so you should enjoy having sex with your wife.

But, more importantly, you have to make sex enjoyable to her.

After all, if you do it only for your own pleasure it is simply an act of selfishness.

Ask your wife what she enjoys about sex and make sure that you make it more and more enjoyable for her as you grow together over the years.

Spend time together

When you spend time with your wife, don't talk about work!

Or golf.

Or cars.

Or any other thing that interests you.

If you really want to put your wife first, then you have to talk about the things that interest her!

What's that? You don't know what her interests are?

Ah, exactly my point!!

You have been so self-centred that you don't even know what your wife is interested in. Shame on you!!

If that is true of you, then now is the time to start changing it.

And don't get all upset if she doubts your intentions. Or if she suspects that you have been guilty of something (like sleeping with her best friend).

If you suddenly start acting differently – especially if such actions are so "unlike" you - she is likely to get suspicious.

Start by telling her that you want to change and that you want to start putting her first.

Ask her what would make her happy, "because I want to start doing those things".

After the initial shock (and even doubt) she will be delighted when she discovers that you are really serious.

She'll see that you really want to be a good husband to her, and she'll love you for it.

Just keep at it. Get out of that comfort zone of yours, and start living a life of fulfilment with the wife that God has given you.

I guarantee you it will be a terrific journey!

Seventh Principle: Be a good Christian

The last, and most important, principle for being a good husband is this: You have to be a good Christian.

"What?" you say, "how is that related to being a good husband? I can be a Buddhist and be a good husband!"

Well, yes and no.

========== A little digression ==========

You must realise that this site - - is a Christian site.

Therefore everything we say and do has to be guided by christian principles, which we get directly from God's holy Word – the Bible.

That is our ethos.

So you can see that also our advice on how to be a good husband must be guided by our biblical ethos.


Now that we have that cleared up, let's continue on our journey.

========== End ==========

"So, why do I have to be a good Christian?" you ask.

Let me begin by taking you back in time a little.

Well, more than a little, actually – I want to take you all the way back to creation.

"Wow, that far back?" you ask.

Yes, that far back.

Because it was right at the beginning of time that God already designed the principles for being a good husband.

You see, when God had created everything else already, He said: "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness" (Gen 1: 26).

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created He him; male and female created He them. And God blessed them" (Gen 1: 27 & 28).

The Bible then tells us that God looked upon everything He had created, and "it was very good" (Gen 1: 31).

So it's clear that you were created in the image of God! And that you were created "very good".

Sort of makes you feel good, doesn't it?

"But is it really applicable to the topic of how to be a good husband?"

Yes, it is. Because it "sets the scene" for everything else.

You see, you can only be a good husband according to Christian principles if you are first a good man according to Christian principles.

If God had created you bad, you would not have been able to be a good husband, would you? Of course not!

But you were created in the image of God.

That's significant, because God is VERY good. And it means that you were created ... very good!

So, if you want to live according to what you were created for, then it would be good – important even - to understand where you come from don’t you agree?

God gives first, then asks

As we have seen above, God created you in his image.

Then He gave you the rules by which you must live.

This idea of giving rules is not an alien one to us either. In fact, don't you have rules by which your children must abide?

I'm sure you do.

So tell me, why do you have those rules?

To be unfair to your children? Or to make their lives miserable?

No! Of course not!

You have those rules for two reasons, mostly:

  1. To keep some form of discipline in the home; and
  2. To try and keep your children from harm.

For exactly the same reasons, God has given us his rules to live by – in order to create discipline and in order to protect us from harm (= death).

These "rules" that God has given us are spread throughout the Bible, and they cover all areas of our lives.

But for this topic – how to be a good husband - we will only concentrate on a few of them - those that specifically address the question of how to be a good husband.

First up, in God's commandments, He addresses the following two things directly at husbands:

  1. "Thou shalt not commit adultery" (Ex 20: 14); and
  2. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife" (Ex 20: 16).

OK, the first one is addressed at women as well, but that doesn't make it less applicable to men!

Why can God ask that we obey Him?

Well, as discussed above, because He created us.

But also because He delivered us from the results of our sins.

Jesus died for your sins. So also in this, God first gave Jesus Christ as your Redeemer and then He requested that you live your life according to the standards laid down by Jesus.

In Summary

So, in summary, this is the way to be a good husband:

  • Work daily on improving your relationship with God
  • Read the Bible daily, and pray daily
  • Visit church regularly - and take your wife with you
  • Be an example to your wife about how to serve God
  • Love your wife with all of your heart
  • Tell her every day that you love her
  • Show her that you love her by always putting her first
  • Don't linger on her faults – we all have faults
  • Keep looking for more reasons to adore her
  • Be her knight, her leader, her hero
  • Buy her flowers – especially on special occasions
  • Don't be shy to show everyone that you love your wife
  • Hug her and kiss her – yes, even in public, and especially in front of the children
  • Be tender to her, and with her – also when making love to her
  • Show real appreciation for all she does for you

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